Based on all the post on my changing church, you might think that this is another one of the same topic. Finally, you are wrong. ahahha. This is about memories from childhood.

I was woken up yesterday by my mum and sis who were going to pay respects to my uncle who passed away a year ago. I decided to go along. All these years, whenever they visited my grandma, I never did go with them, especially so when I accepted Christ as I didn't want to stumble them. Yesterday however, I decided to go but just let them know I will not be involved in the ceremony etc.

When I was there, I realised my uncle was at the same temple as my grandma and grandpa. I looked at the pictue of my grandma and I suddenly missed her so much. I stood infront of her urn for so so long...and I just was remembering all the times I spent with her before she passed away when I was 5 or 6.

When I was younger, she used to talk to me a lot, teaching me hokkien while I taught her mandarin. She will be hanging clothes or cooking while I will be standing beside and talking to her. She was gentle and really nice. I really really loved her. I remember that I did not get to see her for the last time and I cried so loud at the hospital when I realised she will never speak to me again. At her funeral, I knelt beside the coffin with my brother, refusing to eat or drink til my relatives had to drag us out. It was so tough to get over tha period as I was so so close to her.

As I remembered all these, I found myself smiling and tearing in front of her picture. It was quite weird as my relatives were nearby. They didnt see anything but they must be thinking I'm a weirdo. Nobody knew how close I was to grandma, no one will ever know cuz I was not her favourite grandchild yet at that age, she was the only one whom I felt genuinely cared for and loved me. She passed away, a non-believer. I miss her.

God, will your mercy overflow? Will I see grandma ever again? I think I can only know when the day comes for me to meet You again.

Its been a few weeks of adapting, adjusting, readjusting, readapting, fears and tears. I thank God for ppl like weicong, Shuiting, Shuilin, Stephanie, Jasmyn etc who has helped me to integrate into the community. I thank God for Carol who has found time to talk to me despite her busy schedule.

All that being said, its still not easy. Not easy to be taken out of comfort zone completely, not easy to be taken out of a community where I have been for the past 9 to 10 years, not easy to acknowlege that some friendships will never be the same again, not easy to sing, pray and listen sermons in Mandarin, not easy to start all over again in a whole new place yet feeling like I'm expected to be of some standard.

God, Your call is scary and challenging. Yet I am hanging on, by a single thread. Help me to settle in fast so that I can give you my best once again. Though tough, I also thank You cuz I have a chance to start all over again and be at a place where I will not be judged nor affected by my past anymore.

For those who do not yet know, I am now in a new church, a new environment. I must say it is not easy and if not for the fact that God has called, I will be super miserable. Then again, He has been evident in His call and I am clinging on to this knowledge of His call. Pray for me as you read this for that's what I need at this point of my life as I move on to "greener" pastures, one which He has promised.